"An Open Letter to Bryan Beller..."

From the Mike Keneally & Beer For Dolphins and MullMuzzler Websites -

Bryan Beller has more or less done the following things during his lifetime: escaped birthplace Charlottesville, VA at the tender age of six months (only to end up in Westfield, NJ for the next 18 years), graduated Magna Cum Laude from Berklee College Of Music ('93), played bass for Dweezil and Ahmet Zappa's band Z, played bass in Mike Keneally and Beer For Dolphins, recorded studio tracks with Steve Vai, toured with former MC5 and Epitaph Records artist Wayne Kramer, worked as a consultant in the R&D of Fender's line of Deluxe (active electronics) basses, worked as Artist Relations Director, Export Manager and Product Development Manager for SWR Sound Corporation, performed clinics for SWR and Taylor Guitars across America, written regular columns for Bass Player Magazine, written a 620-page coming-of-age manuscript, written political columns for the content website noneforyoudear.com, written a 40-installment web journal entitled The Life Of Bryan, recorded two MullMuzzler CD's with James LaBrie, endorsed (and still does endorse) Mike Lull Custom Basses, D'Addario Prism strings, Taylor Guitars and SWR amplifiers...and smiled occasionally."

Dear Mr. Beller,

     I just wanted to drop you a line praising your recorded bass work, the writing of both “The Life of Bryan,” your “Learning Curve” column in Bass Player, and your cock.  Now, before you send this email to the “delete” folder because of the mention of your genitals, please hear me out.  This will all come together in the end, and you might just have a laugh or two.

     In all truthfulness, I first learned of you not by your music, but by your BP column.  As a longtime reader/subscriber, I had always found it to be an honest and humorous account of the life of a freelance bassist.  It gave me a newfound respect for the “working” bassist who struggled from gig to session and back again, especially after I started doing a few sessions of my own, learning how true all of the apocryphal stories were. (I now know personally the legendary “taking four hours to get drums sounds vs. four notes for a bass sound” story to be a reality.)  Still, no voice in my head popped up and said, “Hey, this Beller character seems to have survived LA… how ‘bout we find something he’s played on?”  That is, until last spring.....

     I was sitting at my girlfriend’s PC, alternating the writing of a paper of rather dubious importance (the fact that I can’t remember its topic would seem to legitimatize that viewpoint) and surfing the web in procrastination of said paper.  I also had a CD playing as to further distract myself, when my girlfriend pointed out I was swaying to the music (something I tend to do with headphones on).  Realizing that it was the bassline I was moving to, I picked up the liner notes to see who had caught my attention.  I think you can see when I’m going with this…

The CD – James LaBrie’s “MullMuzzler.”
The Bassist – Bryan Beller.

     That is what I would refer to as “a moment” – one in which I realized that I indeed had heard your work before (on both “MullMuzzler” and “Ultra Zone”) and it rocked.  Not rocked in a “Hootie and the Blowfish” way, not in a “Matchbox 20” way.  These were full-on John Paul Jones/Led Zeppelin ass-kicking basslines… and they were staring me in the face for months.  Of course, I was now on a mission to find everything I could about Bryan Beller.  A minute of Google searching took me to “The Life of Bryan,” where any hope of work on my paper was lost.  

     That night was the beginning of the fascination I’ve had with “The Life of Bryan” (I believe I was up until 2:30 AM that night absorbing as much as possible before my 9:30 “History of Africa” class.)  Most of my spare Internet moments were spent on your pages, attempting feverishly to catch up to your “now.”  What was strange, however, was that I wasn’t simply passively reading your experiences.  I felt the torment you must have during “The Stairmaster Epiphany,” because I had been there a few short months ago.  I moved down to Kentucky from New York to be with my girlfriend (soon-to-be-fiancée), in the process giving up one of the most fulfilling musical projects I’d been a part of.  I can’t say I was ever at the point you were (torn between “Z” and “BFD,”) but I can somewhat relate to the “What if?” questions.  As I read on, I felt as if I was getting to know you – which (leaving out any stalker connotations) in my humble opinion is the sign of a great writer – the ability to connect with his/her reader on an emotional level.  I shed a tear after I read “Anti-cipa-tion,” because you put into the words perfectly the feeling every artist has after giving their all, and yet not achieving what they want.  And to let you know that not all of my experiences with “The Life of Bryan” have been morose, you’ve literally had me spitting Coke-brand products all over my monitor with the descriptions of Toss Panos/Frank Briggs antics (The good lord certainly watches over drunks, small children, and drummers) and encounters with Jake E. Lee (You’re a stronger man then I, good sir).  I suppose what I’m attempting to put into words (and I’m sure you’ve heard this from the much earlier discovers of “TLOB,”) is that in the six years of your writing and making music, you’ve affected people you don’t, and probably never will, know.  You certainly have affected me, and I thank you for it.

     So I guess it’s time to explain the “cock” comment, isn’t it? 

     Around two weeks ago, I was online as always when I surfed by your site to see if any new Acts had been posted.  As often happens, I promptly began re-reading the “Sick Like A Motherfucker” act (a personal favorite, as it reminds me of the hell that is NYC traffic in winter).  At some point my girlfriend rose off the bed where she had been studying and exclaimed…

     “Are you reading about Bryan Beller AGAIN!?!”

      While I tried to explain my feeling about your writings, and the happiness it brings me to experience what it would be like to be a full-time musician… she wasn’t buying it.  After a lecture about responsibility and the need to focus on school, she returned to the bed to study (and pout, as I was still reading.)  About ten minutes later, she glanced over my shoulder at the monitor, viewed one of the newer (short haired and goateed) photos online, and said the words that instantly raised those little hairs on the back of your neck…

     “You know, he’s kind of cute. Actually, he’s fine!”

     While I’m certain she meant what she said (I personally like the long-haired red vinyl dress look myself) I’ve been with her long enough to realize that this is relationship-speak for “Oh, you’re gonna get it now, buster.”  However, I wasn’t ready for the mind-fuck of a secondary line…

     “Do you think he’s got a picture of his cock up there?”

     Now I’m stuck.  Do I back down and say, “No dear, I’m pretty sure they don’t,” admitting defeat?  Or do I become the typical male, refusing to capitulate, especially after numerous repetition of the phrase “Find me Bryan Beller’s cock!!”?

     You guessed right.  I spent 20 minutes searching Google for the terms “Bryan,” “Beller” and “cock” before surrendering to my Political Development reading.  You’ll be happy to know that the closest I came were photos of various roosters.  I suppose the moral of this story is that the desire to continue to have sex with the woman you love is enough to override the need to hear stories about Louis Johnson’s NAMM promptness.

     I suppose at this closing I’d like to thank you for have the patience to put up with two pages of semi-babble only to come to a cock story that, in all probability, didn’t live up to expectations.  I’d also like to congratulate you on the wonderful “Mullmuzzler 2” CD – us prog fans are nothing if not faithful, and will buy anything having the slightest odd-time signature.  I’ll be in the house for the MK/BFD show at Lynagh's Music Club in Lexington on November 10th, and I’d like very much to shake your hand.  However, if an attractive young woman approaches you and mentions “cock” in any regard, as a fellow bassist, I implore you… just say no.  I’ve spent a long time finding her. ;)

Sincerely,
Ian M. Perge

Postscript – While typing this letter, she looked over my shoulder and the spelling of your name and stated, “He spells it with a “y”?  *Hmmp* Well I don’t want to see his cock now!” – I suppose we’re safe.

Beller's response - "Uh...wow.  I just read the page.  I laughed loudly.  As for the chances of my cock ending up anywhere on the web, let's just say I've been smarter than that.  Your girlfriend is, apparently, safe from the likes of it."  I'm pleased to say that I've met Bryan twice in person, have struck up a pleasant e-mail friendship, and have yet to see his cock.