I've got about seven hours until my surgery.  All my thoughts during the last few months have been leading up to this day, and I'm both excited and nervous.  I'm about to trade in months of steadily building pain, for a week of horrific pain (it's won't be that bad, I'll be getting morphine!!)  All of this had lead me to one inescapable question - If I could go back and reverse what the doctor screwed up, would I?

It's not as straightforward as you would think.  I believe that I am a better person having gone through what I have in my life.  It's lead me to some wonderful people, and experiences that I would never want to give up.  I also believe that I am a better person inside because of it.  I know what it's like to be "different", and understanding is only discovered by learning something new.  I've also felt what it's like to be somewhat of a role model, having coached a wheelchair basketball team for a while.  To be able to shape a young person's mind is the greatest task that a person can be given, and I hope I did a good job at that.  And yet, after all that is positive, if asked, I would say "Yes" in a heartbeat...

It is extremely difficult to fit in to society when you are "different," whether it be race, sex, age, or disability.  Have I fought the good fight?  I believe I have.  If given the choice, would I?  No way in hell.  Maybe I'm just not strong enough, or a good enough person, but I'd trade all I've done for the chance to walk down the street just like anybody else.  I'm sorry if this is a disappointment to some people, but the chance to live without pain is just too much of a temptation.  What can I say, I'm only human...fighting the good fight, not because I want to, but because I have no choice in the matter...

Well, I'm signing off for a few days.  If it's possible to get some kind of 'net access in the hospital, I'll do my best to keep you updated on what's going on.  If I can't, well, I'll have some long and interesting stories to tell.  Have a happy holiday, everybody, and I'll be back in a few.  Ian, signing out for now.

December 21, 1999, 7:00am - "The Surgery that never was"

..."no choice in the matter" was a foretelling of the future, I'm sure of it.  I woke up this morning bright and early as 5:30am, ready to go face what lay in front of me.  I took a nice, long shower, cleaning all the right areas.  After getting out, I wondered, "Why am I still warm?"  In popped the thermometer, and out it came with a temperature of 102.8 degrees.  With those four numbers, out went any control I had over my life.

My surgery has been pushed back two weeks, to January 4th.  My surgeon thinks that I'll be able to make the spring semester.  I have serious doubts about that.  Consider the minimum of four days in the hospital itself.  That leaves me with ten days to heal and recover enough to be able to drive to school starting the 18th.  My surgeon may know his patients, but I know my body..  It's not going to happen.  This means I'm taking off the spring semester to recover, which also means that my graduation will be pushed back to about this time next year.  Another six months at NCC - another six months living at home.  Plus the fact the I pretty much destroyed my family's Christmas this year, so as you can imagine, I pretty much feel like shit right now.  For the last few months, even with the knee problems, I felt like I had a "plan", some control over my life.  Graduate in May, transfer to a four-year school in the fall...it's all gone now.  Any plans I had were destroyed by a sudden virus (if it was anything else, the blood work I had would have picked it up.)  And after all the help from my wonderful friends, it's all for naught.  No, that's not right.  I will never forget what everyone has done for me the last few months.  You all have given up time and other things to help me through this, and I will always cherish that...now, can you extend it for two more weeks? 

December 23, 1999 - "What happens, happens"

It must have been on of those 36-hour bug, because I'm feeling fine now.  Typical of my life, isn't it?  Well, I've had a few days to recover and think about things.  I'm still very disappointed with what happened, but there's nothing I can do about it, is there?  I just have to go along with what life has tossed my way, and make the best of it.

I've decided to take the spring semester off.  Although it's a major blow to my ego, and to my plans for school, I think it's for the best.  I don't think it's realistic to make in back in school-performance level in 10 days.  Plus, what is the point of having a major surgery like this if I'm going to go about my recovery half-assed?  I'm going to have it done, take the time I need to recover, and get my body into the best shape possible.  I'll just have to deal with school, and everything that comes along with it when the time comes.

As I said, I'm feeling much better today (no fever whatsoever), and another great thing happened.  One of my oldest and dearest friends (Liz) is back in town for the holidays, so I gave her a call.  It's been almost 4 years since I last spoke to her, but those years seemed to slip aside in a matter of minutes.  We talked about each other's lives since we last spoke, old friends, high school, cheesy 80's bands, and a whole range of subjects.  Before I realized it, an hour and a half had gone by.  I just have to say, Liz, it was great to talk again, and although time has passed, and we've both grown in our own ways, I'll still remember you as the girl with the subscription to "Metal Edge"!! :)  Let's not lose touch again, shall we?

One last thing tonight -  someone very close to me is going through a very difficult time in her life right now.  I'm not going to mention any names, but you know who you are.  Please remember that I'll always be here for you, no matter what time or circumstances, and that you're in my hopes and thoughts.

*Note* - The next five entries were lost accidentally lost on my local drive.  Thank goodness for the Wayback Machine.

December 25, 1999 - "Christmas in Hell"

I'm just kidding, it wasn't nearly that bad.  Truth be told, for a thrown together night, it turned out pretty good.  Well, except for one thing...

Christmas Eve, I'm driving from Adam's house, after reviewing the DAT's from the recording session a few weekends bad (turned out excellent, btw!! :).  I've driving on a very dark side road to the nearby mall to pick up a copy of "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics" (The South Park X-mas CD), when the car in the opposite lane swerves into mine.  Faced with a head-on collision, I take my chances and pull onto the median, which isn't really, but a 30 degree hill.  The good news is that I didn't get hit by the asshole.  The bad news is that my right front tire was flat, and one of my rear-side windows is broken (the result of my amp in my backseat shifting around during the melee.  Luckily, the leak in the tire was a slow one, so I was able to get to a populated area, where the ever-popular Dad comes to help me change the tire.  I'm surprisingly chipper about this - probably because; 1) it was in no way my fault, and 2) My driving skills actually helped me avoid a much worse ending (a head-on accident).  I've now got to pay for a new tire and window, but I'd gladly do that rather then lose my frontal lobes - I'm kinda partial to them :)

Other then that, Christmas Eve was rather nice.  All my cousins liked their gifts, even Josh, who traded in his for a spare copy of "Awake" by Dream Theater that I had. (alright, another DT fan hooked - it's like crack, I tell ya'! :)  Dinner was excellent (Ham with a special Jack Daniel's and brown sugar glaze), and I even treated myself to a beer (I've stopped drinking while on the pain medication)

Today, Christmas day, was also good.  Gift-giving was at a minimum, because of the thrown-together nature (the cancellation of the surgery and all)  Everyone seemed to like the gifts I bought them, and I came out with a nice sweater from mom, a "Pigface" CD from Tim, and a $50 Gift Certificate to Tower Records from Dad, which I've already spent on the Directors cut of "Robocop" on DVD, "A Pleasant Shade of Grey," by Fates Warning, and "Audio," by Blue Man Group. (An performance music/art off-Broadway show)  Plus, I'm going clothing shopping with mom this week (I'll be looking for some really outrageous "rock star" clothes for the upcoming Stennar shows.

The best things, however, were the family moments.  Getting to see my cousins and aunt.  Spending some quiet time with the folks.  Going to Tower with the Bro (who would have thought that would be happening a year ago!!)...I'm not much into the idea of "Christmas Spirit"...but even a "jaded personality" can enjoy himself once and a while.

December 28, 1999 - "Rebuilding"

Well, it's "countdown time #2" - one week to go (again),  Time for the "building up of the psyche" again, except it's harder the second time around.  Before, I had something to look forward to - school.  Now, al I have is pain, work, and boredom.  I'm going to try, but I think this one isn't going to be easy (but what is?)  I've got some things I want to get accomplished this spring - Stennar shows, writing and recording some of my own music.  I'm just not sure if it'll be enough?  I went through this two years ago with my back, and the boredom is torture.  That's the worst part.  When the major work is over, and you have too much time to fill.  Most of my friends will be back at school, and I won't even be at mine to see the few I have from there.  Well, I guess there are always more books to read, and more music to write...If anyone out there needs a bassist to play on anything (and I mean anything!!:), email me, and we'll talk.

December 30, 1999 - "The last musing before the end of the world?!?"

...I doubt it.  With all the paranoia about the turn of the millennia (and yes, I know technically isn't for another year- what can I say, I gave in to the peer pressure :), here's my prediction on what will happen on January 1, 2000.  People will wake up with the worst hangover's imaginable, turn over, open their eyes, and think "Good god, I slept with that?"  Let's face it, people will still be alive, most computers will still work (Mine damn well better, I only bought the thing four months ago!!), and the world will generally still be a pretty lousy place.  No "Jetson's" - type flying cars, no food pills...and the things we dreamed of when we were kids haven't come to pass yet, and they probably won't for a long time to come.  Generally, I think it would be a better thing to be able to feed the hungry and stop people from killing each other because they look, or pray, or think differently, then to have "Rosie the Robot"...

I went out shopping for clothing today.  Anybody who knows me in realtime would have a heart attack if they saw what I bought, but everybody needs to change now and then.  I'm still pretty much "jeans and T-shirt guy", but with a few changes...let's just say that everyone who comes to see the "Stennar" live show will be in amazement at my "style" (note the quotations - I'm not sure it's a "style", but I'm trying :)

I've also said "fuck it," and am going out for New Years.  I had no plans, being that I thought I would be propped up on many-a-painkiller, but since the surgery was postponed...I'm going to hell with myself.  It's been documented that I've gotten sick the last 7 New Years in a now, but that stops this year.  For once, I refuse to stay home and regret the things I didn't do.  This year, I'm going to do them.  It may very well suck, but at least I'll be able to say I did it.  I hate the usual "New Year's Resolutions," but this year, that's going to be my theme - "No regrets."  I may not succeed at everything I try, but at least I'll be able to say I tried....until the year 2000, this is Ian, wishing everyone safety and hope in the coming 24 hours.

January 1, 2000 - "Wow, Ralph Fiennes didn't really kill Tom Sizemore last night!"

Okay, for all of you not getting the title of today's post, go rent "Strange Days," a eve-of-the-millennium movie co written by James Cameron.  Trust me, it's worth the three bucks you'll pay at Blockbuster...(although I now realize I've just ruined the ending for you, oops. my bad! :)

Well, it's all over but the cleanup.  No major disasters, ATM machines are still working, et al...The Y2K turnover was a big to do about nothing.  I actually had a pretty good time last night.  I went with Scott, Rich and his girl Stacy, Parns, and a few others to Michelle's house (a friend of Scott's from school, so I can say I know her).  Had a few drinks (okay, more then a few, but WTF, it was New Years!! :), got a pretty cool mosh pit going in a still-under-construction room (no major injuries, just a few scrapes from the unfinished floor), kicked some ass playing "Asshole" (a drinking card game, for you str8 X-ers :), and had a decent time.  The biggest moment of the night, one that must be announced on the web, is that....Parns got a number!!!....yes, your friend and mine, Adam Parness, actually got some digits!  For that reason only I dedicate this musing to Adam Parness, killer guitarist, amazing producer, lover of animals, and now...MAJOR STUD!!

For the few of you wondering, yes, I did get the gumption up and dressed up (or, as Stephanie or I would put it, Sherinian'd) for the party.  Needless to say, everyone else was dressed conservatively, and I looked like Prince at a republican fundraiser...I don't care...I think I looked badass, and that's all that matters  :)

January 4, 2000, 4:16am - "Let's try again"

Well, no long speeches this time.  I'm all packed and ready to go.  In about six hours, I'll be asleep, and it will all start.  I'll try to keep this up while I'm in, but if I can't get 'net access, I'll still be keeping a hardcopy, so that I'll be able to post my thoughts when I get home.  Until then, my friends, take care - I'll see you soon.  (god, I don't want to do this...)

January 10, 2000 - "Hospital food leaves much to be desired..."

Well, I'm back, a little worse for wear, but I made it.  It was easier in some parts then others, but I've come through the other side, and things can only get better from here.  I know that I said I would try to keep a running "musing" throughout my stay, but both pain and painkiller made that somewhat impossible, so I'm going to give a running description of what's happened the last week, and what I'm not sure of, I'll do my best with...and away we go...

I arrived at the hospital at about 7:50 on 1/04.  After the usual pre-admittance nonsense, I met with about 5 doctors at once (It was quite comical,) along with a nurse to start an IV and an orderly to .....shave me.  Okay, now I've said it! :)  Once I signed all the clearance forms, it was "go time," as some would say.  I was wheeled into an Operating Room (number 6, I believe it was).  After the Anesthesiologist injected some versed into my system, that's the last thing I remember for the next 3 hours.  That was 10:30.  In that time a catheter was inserted into my back to numb me from the waist down.  My Rectus Femurus" muscles above each knee was lengthened, as well as a piece of muscle attached to the hamstring behind each knee in an effort to tighten those up as well.  All that work, and all I've to show for it is a 3' scar above each knee.  At about 12:30 I was taken into recovery.  The first thing I remember was being terrible cold, which is quite usual.  In that time and place, happiness is a warm blanket :)  I was in recovery until around 6:30, which is longer then usual, because we were having some trouble getting my pain management under control.  I won't go into detail on that, except to say this - I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (The Backstreet Boys.)  The rest on the night was spent begging, and being denied food (I was terrible hungry, but you can't let a surgical patient eat for about 12 hours for fear of vomiting.  I tried bribing every damn nurse in the place to get me a pint of shrimp lo-mien, but to no avail.  Finally, at about 12:30am, I was able to have some Jello and crackers.  I will tell you, that was one of the best meals I've ever eaten!!:)

Day 2 - not much to report here.  Just a return to food, although hospital food doesn't count, does it?  Although Dad was able to sneak in a quart of shrimp lo-mien! Woo-Hoo! :)  Well, I'm tired now, so check back tomorrow for the exciting conclusion! (Wow, I've written a cliffhanger!)

January 11, 2000 - "Never trust a physical therapist"

Well, when we had left off, day three (Thursday) had started in the hospital rather well.  At about 7:00 three residents came by and removed all the bandages.  Besides relieving a great deal of pain and pressure, I finally got a chance to look at the work itself.  Not nearly as bad as I had expected.  Scars around 2.5-3' long above the knees, and very well done. (What can I say, I have a very good doc!)  A few hours after that I got my PCA taken out.  It's a medication-delivery system where the patient can control the amount of medication.  Nice in theory, but as mine was lodged in my spine and numbing my lower body, I was relieved to see it go and switch to oral painkillers.  About an hour after that, PT came, and the day got worse.  I was able to stand and take a few steps, but I cannot, and will not ever describe the pain that came during and after.  Sometimes you realize that numbness can be a good thing.  That night went by pretty quickly after that.  I was able to get a decent nights sleep for the first time in days, so forgive me if my memory's a bit hazy...

Friday was the beginning of the end, and the end of the beginning.  After getting the final thumbs-up from my doc in the morning, I was finally able to leave that afternoon.  I can't say that getting into the van was the most comfortable thing in the world, but it was worth it.  A few days rest upstairs, and by Monday I was able to tackle the steps leading down here to my room.  Which leaves my here, facing an uncertain future.  I go back in about a week for a check-up, where I get see where to go from here.  But I made it this far...I think it's a downhill slope from here.

PS - It's my birthday today.  24...I never thought I'd get this old.  I just have to say one thing to Stephanie today - "Merci Beaucoup, mon amie"

January 12, 2000 - "The people that you least expect"

Well, a group of my female friends stopped by today to see how I was doing.  Things were going nicely, and we started to have a rather frank discussion about our sex lives.  I jokingly asked a friend of mine if she "took it up the butt," and instead of the typical "Eww, gross" comment I was waiting for, only silence emanated.  That was taken as a yes.  The shocking thing is that this friend is one of the nicest, sweetest girls I know, and I never would have expected a yes answer about anal sex from her.  I guess that means that today's lesson is to always expect the unexpected.  The strange thing is that my "stock" in her has risen considerable after her little revelation.  I would never had expected her to try something so "daring," and so she's a bit more complicated then I gave her credit for.  It's never to late to revise your opinion of someone, I suppose.  Unnamed friend, you go girl!! 

January 17, 2000 - "The Big Time"

Sorry I haven't posted in the last few, but as you can imagine, I've been pretty tired the last few day.  This will change soon, I promise!  Anyway, big new on the Stennar front.  We've been invited to play at the "New York Music and Internet Expo" in NYC in early March (exact time and date to be announced.)  This is a major step for us, playing at a major-league "Industry Showcase!"  Labels of every kind will be there, so we've keeping our finger's crossed :)  I have really good feeling about a possible deal - we're tight as hell, have great music, and are more professional then 95% of the bands out there these days.  There *may* be another, bigger piece of news in the next few weeks, but as we are working out the details, I really can't say anything more about it at this point.  Just keep your eyes open, that's all I can say! ;)   If you're in the NY area from March 3-5, please come and check us you - you won't be disappointed.