November 17, 1999  "Why the hell am I doing this, and who gives a rat's ass"

Well, I've joined the "millions....and millions" of people who keep some sort of journal on the web.  This is more for my sanity than your amusement, but I'll try to inject some humor into things (I don't think I'll even have to "try", deflection by comedy is part of my nature).  Giving credit where credit is due, I must thank my newly-reunited friend Liz McKeever for the inspiration to do this.  Liz, if I can do this half as well as you do, I'll consider myself blessed.

Today wasn't a half-bad day, as my life goes.  Classes went well. I'm drudging through "Washington Square" in Advanced Comp., so that's my weekend right there.  I managed to not get rear-ended driving home, so I'd consider that a success.  I finished my download of Dream Theater's latest show (curses to my 56k modem!), so that's brought some sunshine into my life! :)  Any day I can hear "Strange DejaVu" live is a good one.  Best of all, my knees have been fairly quiet today - I'd rate them a 5/10 on the "PPM" (Perge Pain-o-Meter.  Less pain means less prescription (although fairly addictive) medication, which has been lingering on my mind the last few weeks.  Logic dictates that it's needed, but when you're taking Valium, Tylenol with codeine, and Cyclobenzapz together every night, things can reach a dangerous level quite easily.  Still, it's only a month to go before the knee surgery (okay, it's the muscles above them, but it'll help my knees), and I think (hope?) I can last it out.  That's the scary thing.  I'm actually looking FORWARD to this, which makes no sense at all.  It's a major surgery, with all the risks involved, that will also ruin the "party of the century" (literally) for me, and then a rushed month of rehab to get "back on my feet" for the spring semester to look forward to (I could have had it done this fall, but I want, and need to graduate NCC - Time to shit or get off the pot, as they say)...and I'm wanting this to come as fast as it can!!!  There's a duality to this that I can't put my finger on.  What if something  goes wrong?  Suppose I come out worse than before?  What if, after all this, it's no help, and I continue to live in pain day-in-and-day out?  Legitimate questions that I don't have the courage to answer right now...

November 18, 1999 "Why limited murder should be allowed by law (by me, of course)"

It's 10:00am, and I'm suffering through my "Parole and Probation" class, still groggy from my "prescription-hangover".  We're going over parole violation hearings, and the STUPIDEST person I've ever seen in a college class (example - "I ain't never gonna use that bio shit, so why I gotta take it?") is making his usual semi-weekly nuisance of himself.  Externally, I'm taking notes.  Internally, I'm talking to myself in the voice of the late-not-so-great Tupac Shakur, - "I's gots to bust a cap in his ass!"  Finally, after 2 and a half months of this nonsense, my prof grows some balls, and kicks him out of class.  In that moment, I had to stop myself from jumping up and shouting, "PRAISE THE NON-EXISTENT GOD!!"...instead, I just continued taking notes.

My point in all this?  Easy - higher learning isn't for everyone.  The world needs mechanics as much as it does doctors and lawyers.  And some people can't even hack that.  There are way too many useless and dangerous people on this planet.  So, I ask the leaders of the world - give me the power over life and death.  I'll be good at it (I've been planning the deaths of useless people since high school).  Some examples - If you bomb an abortion clinic, you die.  If you try to censor someone else's opinion, you die.  If you're a stick-thin supermodel influencing young women to conform to some unattainable body standard, you die horribly.  If you rape, you get castrated, then you die.  If you're Adam Sandler, you don't die - you just get your lips glued shut. (I can't be the only one sick of him, am I?)

Other then that, it was a decent day.  My other classes went well, and I found out I'm going to get an extra day off for Thanksgiving. (all my profs are canceling class on Wednesday)  Most of my friends will be home, and that is a great thing - I want to sing and dance and go out to clubs and get drunk and laid...

....I'll probably just sleep...

Knees are somewhat worse today, 7/10 PPI.  I don't give a damn.  I'm going to try to get to sleep early tonight, and if I have to dope up tomorrow morning  and run over old ladies, then so be it....I WILL GO SEE "DOGMA" TOMORROW!!!

November 19, 1999 - "Seraphim, the 13th Apostle, and Imitation butter flavoring..."

Well, I finally dragged my ass out, and saw "Dogma".  People, get up now and SEE THIS MOVIE NOW!!!  First off, if you think you'll be offended, don't worry - my page is more offensive.  This movie takes an intelligent view of faith (something I admit to be lacking in), beliefs, and organized religions...plus, it has a healthy amount of copulation and bowel-movement humor.  That stated, tonight's topic of discussion will be....

Religion.  A hot topic through the ages.  Hell, people used to be killed for having different beliefs.  Oh yeah, things have changed!!  We're still killing each other because "your" god isn't "my" god.  Hell, even "Christians" fight over which interpretation of the bible is the "right" one.  I'm an Atheist, have been for about two years now.  The circumstances of my decision isn't important right now (maybe some other time I'll get into that), but the fact is, I CHOSE to reject the religion in which I was brought up in.  I'm an adult, and made a conscious decision on what I did (or did not) want to believe in.  And yet when all my "Christian brothers and sisters" found out, all I got were comments like "It's just a phase", and "Oh, that's too bad - I'll pray for you".  Well listen up - I don't want your prayers.  I'm not saying this in a mean-spirited manner, but accept me for who I am.  I am a happier, less guilty, and yes - I believe a "better" person, because I chose to "free" myself from decades of dogma, pun quite intended.  This may be hard to believe, but I don't have a problem with religions.  It's what comes out of them that I disagree with.  IMHO, organized religions have been the major source off war, murder, poverty, the oppression of women, and countless other "sins" throughout the years.  I think that people "need" religion because people have a basic need to feel larger then themselves.  What better way then to be part of a "master plan", conceived by a higher power (no, not Vince McMahon).  It's easier then being one fragile person in the whole of the universe.  And if believing that when you die, you pass on to a better place, fine.  If that belief can help you through your life, more power to you.  But don't think for an instant that your way is the best way.  And don't try to change me....

...I like myself the way I am.

November 20, 1999 - "Men who treat women badly, and the women who love them, and why do I not understand this whole "love" deal?"

Hello sports fans - I just got back from my dear friend Tara's 21st birthday party.  Honestly, it wasn't half as bad as expected, considering I had to skip out on the obligatory "bar trip" (mixing massive amounts of alcohol with the stuff I'm on would probable shut down my brain stem, which is a thing I hold near and dear to me).  I actually "dressed up" (anyone who knows me will testify that I am the proto-jeans and T-shirt guy), and a decent meal, and ignored all the people I hated who were there.  Which leads me to today's rant...

There's a guy (for the fact that I don't feel like defending myself from a libel lawsuit, we will call "D" .  "D" has dated a good amount of my female friends.  "D" treats all of them like complete and utter shit, using them for sex, until he's had enough and dumps them.  All the girls sob over him for a few months, while he goes about his business with another girl.  Gradually, he reenters their lives, and the cycle starts anew. 

My question is "why?"  Why do these friends of mine (who are quite intelligent) let him take so much power over them?  What power does "D" have to accomplish this feat?  I just don't get it...

My love life has been far from perfect.  I'm usually too reserved to make the first move, and thus get relegated to "guy friend" status.  My one relationship I'd consider "real" was, in retrospect, a walking disaster.  It was the mythical "love at first sight" deal (not that I believe in that kind of thing :)!).  We were inseparable for a long time, shared our deepest secrets to each other, and even "gave" ourselves to each other for the first time for both of us (if you get my drift...).  After a while, "A" started to distance herself from me.  It could of been a number of reasons; her parents hated me with a passion (I don't know why, I was a total gentleman), there was an age difference..... eventually, it ended.  And ended badly, I might say.  One of those prototypical "movie breakups"; crying on each other shoulders, the returning of the other's belongings, the whole nine yards.  It took me a good long while for me to move on, but I did....and then "A" came into my life again, professing her mistake, and asking me back.  I was leery, but I was also lonely, so I decided to try again.  Things were even better then the first time for a while, we were less "clingy", and had outside lives that didn't involve each other.  But then real life involved itself.  Within the matter of a week, I found out I had a non-cancerous tumor on my spinal cord, and had emergency surgery to have it removed.  "A" hardly visited me as I recovered, and when out of the hospital, "the downward spiral" started again.  Within a month, we were history.  The worst feeling I felt at the time was abandonment.  It was a point in my life when I needed her support, and she bailed on me.  I can *somewhat* understand her mind-set - It was a hard situation to deal with, but damn it, I needed her, and she wasn't there for me.  I took all the late night calls, when life was getting her down, when her parents were on her case...but when it was my turn for support, I got none.

I don't profess to understand what "love" is, but I do believe that it involves being there for the person you care about.  I didn't get that support, and I thing that's one of the problems I have now - trust.  I don't know if I can ever let anyone get close enough to me, because that means opening your defenses, and being vulnerable.  I'm not sure if I can trust anyone enough to be close enough, because they'll be close enough to hurt me.  And I can't take anymore pain...
PS - "The Knee Report" - last night was bad, a 8/10 night.  What happens when you're at the limit of the medication you can take, and it still hurts?  In 12 minutes, it will be exactly one month until I go under the knife.  I can't wait, but I don't know if I can last that long...as if I have a choice in the matter!  Fighting's what I do best, and I'll fight this until I have none left to give (cue "Rocky" score)...until tomorrow, folks.

November 21, 1999 - "For the last time, I am not a donut fucker!!"

For the non-knowing, that line was given to me by my "boss", Stennar.  One day this summer at practice, he commented that I remind him of the kid in "American Pie" that....had relations with the pie.  Needless to say, the name suck, and I will forever be know as "The Pastry Fucker".  For once and for all, I denounce these claims!  I have never  had sex with any kind of pastry!  Except for that one drunken night at Rich's house....that donut needed to be "glazed", if you know what I mean :)

Anyway, this will a short post tonight, as I've much studying to do.  Practice went well today.  We're really tight, and the covers are coming along nicely! (I can't say what songs we're doing, but they are some warped versions of classic songs!  You'll love them!  We're also coming along nicely together as a group, and as friends.  Things are feeling like a band, and less of a "hired-gun" situation.  We can joke with each other, and make suggestions about parts without crushed feelings.  It's a great place to be in the world when you can be a professional, and still have fun.  I wish I could make a career out of this!...(wishful dreaming!)

I just finished reading "Washington Square" by Henry James, for my English Composition class.  I thought I went through all this last night! :)  Does the nature of love ever change?  Are people really meant to be together? Do we really have a "soul mate" somewhere out there, or should we settle for the best that comes along at the time? Again, questions that I don't have answers for, but who does?  "as the bell toils..." - Ian

November 24, 1999 - "Take Off!"

Sorry I haven't posted anything in a few days - what can I say, school's been a bitch!  Many a paper to write, and tests taken, but it's over - for at least five days.  For those of you lacking in higher learning (not the movie, although "Butterfly" by Tori Amos is worth the price of the soundtrack alone), today's title comes from a Bob and Doug Mackenzie song, with 'da man, Geddy Lee on guest vocals.  I haven't heard the song in years, and just found a MP3 of it, so I'm rather happy.

No big topic or earth shattering news today.  I helped get the Thanksgiving dinner get started (Pies, side dishes, and all that fun stuff).  I went shopping for everything yesterday, and took the opportunity to buy myself one of those "mini" coffeemakers for my room.  Now, if I want a cup of tea, or a Cup 'o Noodles, I don't have to trapes upstairs to make it, thus saving much wear-'n-'tear on my poor knees (yes, they're still killing me, but on the plus side, the drugs are nice!).  Most of my friends are back for a few days, so I may not update for a few, but I'll have some interesting stories to tell...bar stories!!!  hehe... till we meet again :)